Remember Who You Are

Changes

2011-08-14T15:13:00.000-06:00

2011-05-30T18:29:00.002-06:00

Jason has been gone for almost 3 weeks for his annual training so I have had plenty of time to myself. It was nice for a couple days but quickly got old. Taking care of Oakley Bear, cooking, cleaning, and doing all of the laundry and grocery shopping by myself is not easy. In fact it sucks! What makes it even harder is feeling like I'm doing it alone emotionally too. I only got to talk to Jason on the phone for a few minutes last week. It was so nice to hear his voice. But now I'm ready for him to come home. I dread the day he is deployed because once again I'll be left to deal with "life" on my own- except for at least 6 months instead of 1. I don't really resent Jason for joining the military- even though it may sound that way. I more resent the fact that every one's "life" goes on while I feel like mine is put on hold. I guess we all have to make sacrifices in life and maybe this is mine. It doesn't mean I like it.

As I'm writing this I am thinking to myself, "Who is going to read this?" and I answer my own question with, "Probably no one". I do have a whopping TWO followers. Why do I even have a blog? I obviously don't update it very often but why do I update it at all? hmm... I guess that sums up my attitude today.

I felt this way when Jason was away at boot camp too. I actually completely deleted my Facebook because of it but then started a new one when I felt I was "ready". I guess I just felt like I was wasting my time updating my status. If anyone gave a damn what my status was then they'd call me. I realize as I write that that it makes me a hypocrite. I could call my friends and family too but instead I check Facebook to see what going on in their lives. It's sad how our relationships are becoming so impersonal. I don't have to leave my house or pick up my phone and I know what all my friends are "up to". Now let me remind you- whoever you are- that I already admitted that I was a hypocrite when it comes to this matter. So what can I do to change this issue for myself? I guess I could delete my Facebook, delete this blog that no one reads and I'm pretty sure don't even know it exists, I could be a better friend by calling each one of them up and ask how they are doing... But that sounds exhausting and even more time consuming than logging on to Facebook and just reading their updates and viewing their photos.

Maybe I just need to start trying to be more involved in my life, my families life, and my friends life and get OFF Facebook... hmm...

Love

2011-03-31T18:37:00.003-06:00

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" - 1 Corinthians 13

what freedom means

2011-01-01T20:12:00.003-07:00

Even though I know my husband will not be happy when he finds out, I watched Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience because I have a desire for understanding and knowledge. One day my husband will have his own story to tell and I hope and pray that it is nothing compared to what the men and women in this documentary have to say. The media is doing the American people a great injustice for not telling us the truth of what it means to sign your rights away to the military. However, I do not believe that any one of us can truly understand what it means until we've had an AK pointed and fired at us. I think that every one of us should educate ourselves. The resources are out there. We need to stop believing that war is this Hollywood creation. These are OUR men and women, who are not anything different from us, out there making life changing decisions every day. The word "hero" is so small compared to these people who fight for our freedoms. It is so sad to me to hear these stories. I cried during each one. These stories are bigger than anything I had ever imagined. I've met people who have faced death and I have heard what life is like for them when they come home and have to adapt this a naive nation. It was saddening to hear that some men and women do not tell people that they've been to Iraq and Afghanistan because of the lack of knowledge so many people have. "Oh that's cool". No. It wasn't cool to anticipate being killed. It wasn't cool to take someones life even though you were sure they were not harmful. But the enemy does not have a face. Shoot or be shot at. Grateful doesn't even compare to how I feel.

Thank you to the men and women who are willing to make the biggest sacrifice for people who do not appreciate their freedom. Freedom to me means not having a story to tell.

Money doesn't grow on trees

2010-08-02T18:30:00.002-06:00

I have been under a lot of financial stress lately. Jason came home in May and we moved into our new apartment in June. Since Jason was gone for 6 months he no longer had a job. It has been very hard for him to find one. Not only is no one hiring but Jason is a reservist in the Marine Corps and I think that is keeping alot of employers from even considering hiring him. There is no other explaination for Jason not being hired. He has an excellent resume with years of managing experience. We are going on 3 months of him not having a job. That has been very rough for both of us. Our only fights have to do with money. We moved into our apartment assuming we'd have two paychecks to live off of. Instead, its just been mine and the very little money Jason makes for report in for duty. It is so bad that we have considered the option of Jason going Active Duty. However, he has to wait a couple years before he can do that. Right now Jason is gone for 2 weeks for summer duty. When he gets back he has a couple weeks to focus on the job search again. Then, school starts. Luckily, Jason gets his schooling paid for by the government so he is going full time! I hope he can find a night job so that he doesnt have to drop classes.

I have spent years saving up my money. I have always had savings and have never been in debt. I take pride in the hard work I've done to make sure i have some financail security. However, over the past few months my savings have slowly been dwindling away. I have to pay for rent, gas, food, utilities, furnishing the apartment, my dog Oakley, entertainment, clothes, school, etc. All of this is on top of working 40 hours a week. Now, I need to start planning a wedding. I feel like this summer has been more work than play. Thats depressing when summer is so close to coming to an end. Okay, maybe I am being dramatic... I guess I actually did have alot of fun this summer. I turned 21, been to some bars/clubs/concerts, went to Park City with some friends, had bonfires, spent time with friends and family, and got engaged! I guess just the realization that I am growing up isnt exactly fun in itself. I wish I could rely on my parents again. I would give anything to be in alot of my friends position where they can still have their parents pay for the majority of their expenses. I hope they know how lucky they are to still have that!

The only way to get rid of that stress is to fix it. I havent been spending much money lately. Basically it has all been on bills, gas, and food. I have stopped eating out and have been preparing every single meal. Its been 10 days of this routine. It is very time consuming but I'm saving money and eating healthy and that makes it worth the extra time. Its also been easier since Jason is gone and I have more time. I feel bad when friends have asked to hang out and I feel that all I can say is "No". Unfortunately, going out means spending money. So, I stay home cleaning, cooking, reading and swimming. (I can't wait till Jason is home to entertain me).

I hope that my continued hard work will all work out in the end. I hope that Jason will find a job and help take some of the financial burden off my shoulders. I know that things wont be like this forever so I guess my final hope is just that we can get thru it without too many bruises!!

I'm Engaged!!!

2010-07-27T18:48:00.005-06:00

Last Thursday, July 22nd, it seemed like a normal day. After a long day at work Jason and I went to the pool at our apartments. It was so nice to sit back and relax! After about an hour we were getting pretty hungry. Jason thought Chinese food sounded good so I chose Cafe Trang for dinner. We went back the the apartment and got ready. I really wanted to eat inside the restaurant because it had been awhile since we'd eaten out. But Jason strongly felt we should eat outside at the park. I was imagining us sitting at a picnic table and it did't sound fun. But luckily I had a blanket in my car! So... after we got our dinner we went to Draper park and found a nice quiet area underneath two trees. We ate all the Chinese/Vietnamese food we could handle. It was sooo good!! After we ate it was nice to lay down in the nice weather and just talk. Finally, Jason cracked open his fortune cookie and was reading his fortune as he tossed me mine. I took it out of the wrapper and was about to crack it open when i realized the cookie was not normal. It wasn't "cracking". Instead it was slowly coming apart. I pointed out to jason that there was something wrong with my cookie! He said he noticed the same with his. I proceded to open the cookie. Then, I noticed something I'd never seen in a fortune cookie before... It was a ring!! Without taking the ring out I just sat there for a few minutes completely confused. I kept asking him over and over, "How'd you do that??". He thought it was funny that I had no idea what he'd done! I then took the ring out and put it on. Jason told me to take the fortune out. I did and read it to myself. I began laughing and tearing up. I was so happy. He gave me a hug and a kiss and then I demanded he tell me how he did it. I was with him while we ordered dinner so how could he jam a ring into a cookie? Haha! I gues he'd planned it all day long. I guess it worked out that Chinese food sounded good to me that night! It really was the cutest proposal ever! I am so excited!! Jason and I have been together for over 4 years now and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else! He truely is my best friend! :)

Always In My Heart

2010-04-11T01:58:00.004-06:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my aunt Heather who passed away in September of 2007. Sometimes I forget that she is gone because it still doesn’t feel right. I miss going up to Oakley to visit her. She was one of the funniest people I will ever know. I have so many memories of her and hold each one close to my heart.

It’s been almost 3 years since she passed. I remember when I found out that she was in the hospital. I was driving to work and my dad called me. He told me that he didn’t know much but that he knew it wasn’t good. When I got off the phone I thought I would just continue driving to work but then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I ran a red light or cut off everyone when I was making a left hand turn. I don’t know what I was thinking. I started panicking and all I could do was cry.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to be in the hospital because she had Type 1 diabetes. She had been thru so much! Dialysis, kidney transplant, heart attack, you name it… I think that is why when I first got the call I just figured everything would end up being okay. There were many times people thought she wouldn’t make it but she always surprised everyone. But when I got off the phone nothing felt right.

I think visiting her in the hospital was very hard. I got to see firsthand just how bad she really was. She was basically brain dead and her body was shutting down. I am not sure what had happened but I think the doctors said she had a heart attack and no one found her for over an hour. It’s hard because you still have hope even tho you see the helpless body lying in front of you. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. I’m still not ready. Although I had many good times with her- I felt it wasn’t enough. I still need her.

Even though she is no longer in my life I can remember her by the memories I have. There are so many that come to mind at once. When we visited her in Oakley she would let us ride her four wheelers on the property in front of their house. It was so much fun. She was always up for having fun. Even when you knew she wasn’t feeling very good. She didn’t let it get in the way of having fun too often. I have this image in my head of her sitting on the floor or bathroom counter curling her hair. I have early memories of her perming her hair too. I can hear her laugh. It was a laugh you will never forget. I can see her eating Arbys and drinking a Dr. Pepper. Sometimes when I am thinking about her I will go get an Atbys sandwich and put my “fat pants” on. She always talked about putting her “fat pants” on. Its funny because she was TINY! I remember going on frequent road trips with her down to St. George. There were many times where she couldn’t see where she was driving (symptom of diabetes) so my sister, Chelsea, would take over the wheel while Heather pressed the gas and brake. I plan to share more memories of her in the future.

Becoming a Marine

2010-02-13T22:36:00.020-07:00

So 13 weeks after Jason left for Boot camp he finally graduated and became a Marine! I flew to San Diego so I could see him graduate and spend some much needed quality time with him. I was kind of nervous flying to a place I've never been, finding my way to the hotel and around town, and spending a night alone in the hotel. But I was too excited to let the nerves stop me. The plane ride SUCKED to San Diego because it was the smallest plane I have ever been on. It felt like a step above a helicopter! I usually enjoy the window seat but not when I feel claustrophobic! It was so small that I could barely move! UGH! But I made it safely so I shouldn't complain. After I picked my bags up from baggage claim I called the hotel and they came and picked me up. The hotel was very nice! It was clean and tidy with a king sized bed, fridge, and microwave. The people who worked there were very nice too. I spent the night alone which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually slept better than I have in a while!

I got up early in the morning and got ready for the Graduation. MCRD (Marine Corps Recruiting Depot) wasnt far from my hotel but it took atleast 30 minutes to actually get there! The guards wouldn't let the shuttle thru a certain part of the base and then we got stuck behind a bus that wouldn't move! Some redneck got out of his car and yelled at the bus driver threatening to call the cops and get him deported. The whole thing was kind of funny. When we (me and 2 other people in the shuttle) finally got to the wrong entrance of the base again we jumped out and the guards let us walk in instead of drive. We weren't supposed to walk thru so it was nice of them. We just had to show our ID's and we were good. Once on base I had absolutely no clue where to go. MCRD is huge! Somehow I found my way to a gift shop which ended up being one of many of base. I didn't have much time so I bought myself a hoodie and keychain... Then I hurried over to the Parade Deck which is 6 football fields long! They had bleachers set up by platoon so that you could somewhat see the platoon that your Marine was in.

Jason was platoon 2108 which was the last of the 7 that were graduating that week. The Graduation process was slow and since it was soooo big you really couldn't hear what was being said. They should invest in some kind of PA system or something! I spent the whole time trying to zoom in on my cameras to see if I could find Jason but I couldn't zoom in far enough to see any faces! When each platoon did their last march close to the bleachers I finally found Jason! I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a little during graduation. It was mixed emotions of seeing Jason for the first time in 13 weeks and the reality that he, along with almost 500 men, just became Marines that week to serve our nation and protect our freedom. Marine Corps graduation is definitely a big deal. I think it was almost 2 hours long. The band played a few songs, prayers were said, and a ton of very slow marching was done. It was awesome to see 500 people in complete unison with every movement. You could tell that it took a TON of discipline to get that accomplished! When they finally ended graduation you could see every Marines face go from seriousness to complete happiness. It was awesome! They looked like robots that turned into humans haha!

We hurried off base since Jason was "finally FREE" and went to the hotel so he could get out of his uniform. He tried putting on his civilian clothes that we wore on the way to boot and they didnt fit! Jason lost 20 lbs haha. Not even his belt fit! Luckily I brought him his gym shorts so he wore those! We went out for lunch to a popular mexican restaurant called Coyote Cafe. Apparently everyone else had the same idea because almost every table had a Marine sitting at it! haha. After lunch we walked around the Historic Park. The next day we packed up and headed to the train station which we took to Los Angeles. The ride was really cool because it was along the coast most of the way so we just watched the ocean. In Los Angeles we visited his family, went shopping, and to the beach. Every single meal we had except breakfast was Mexican!

Those 10 days spent with Jason were the best 10 days ever! We had so much fun and I didnt want it to end. But it was time for Jason to leave again. He reported into Camp Pendleton 2/9/10 for Marine Combat Training which is about a month long. He only really gets part of Saturday and Sunday off and has to stay on base. If they behave they get their cell phones tho! I got to talk to Jason for a few hours today! After MCT he begins his job schooling which is 96 days!! But during that training he can go off base on the weekends. I am so proud of Jason. Sure it sucks not being able to see him and talk to him whenever I want but he is preparing to protect my freedom and that is pretty awesome. I am looking forward to what the future has to bring and then next time I get to see my Marine!

(sorry the pics are out of order. It is a pain trying to upload all these pics and sort them)
How cute! lol
Chillin at the beach. If we had been standing there 5 min later we would have been soaked from a huge wave that crashed into the rocks!

Not many people at the pier that day

Thought this was funny

nummy

My sexy Marine

He had to make his bigger than mine

almost got washed away

Jason and his siblings playing a game. I caught this when they "froze" lol

Hope, Josh, Jason, and Holly
Jason said this crab was making fun of me... wtf
We couldnt see the sun set at dinner because of the clouds :(
I love the ocean

Recruit- This is what Jason was doing before becoming a Marine

Private First Class J. A. Smithson

MCRD is huge! The middle is the Parade Deck which is the size of 6 football fields

All lined up. I couldn't see that far away!

I thought this pic was cool of their white hats
I begged Jason to stop and let me take a pic. He was so excited to get off base we were practically running.

Jason's sweet tan line from his "cover"

Still too far away

As the flag passed thousands of people in the bleachers stood

Coyote Cafe- Jason's first meal after boot.

The band

Rows and rows of bags and Recruits guarding them

Platoon 2108

Love

2009-11-26T22:16:00.003-07:00

For the past year I have been forced to hold my feelings inside. It all started when I made a decision that changed my life forever. I forgot about the things that matter most to me and took them for granted. Although the way I truly felt inside remained the same I could no longer express it. After a year it feels so foreign. I forgot what those three words were and what it felt like to say them. Sure I tell my friends and family I love them but it doesn't compare to saying them to the person you are in love with. I substituted expressing my feelings in a healthy way for crying, shopping, eating, or really just holding them in. At the time I thought the decision I made was a good one. I knew it hurt my best friend and even other people in our lives but I thought I was finally taking the reins of my life and steering it in a direction I wanted. The truth is I had no idea what I was doing and regretted every moment of it. I had never been more numb in my life. I think I've always been considerable selfless in my life and felt this was a much needed selfish act. I was right about the selfish part. I went against everything I believed because I thought I could justify it. I was out of control in many aspects of my life. I learned how to deal with life alone. Instead of this making me more independent I think it made me more destructive. Since I didn't have to check in with anyone I could do whatever I wanted. And I did. But over the past six months or so I have been remembering what matters to me. I have been realizing how good I had it. Although I regret my life changing decision I have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have been through alot in my life- alot of good and alot of bad. If I have made it this far I can make it anywhere. Now, I am relearning how to express those feelings I've kept surpressed for so long. My best friend is not here for me to talk to. He is working on becoming a Marine in San Diego. His letters are everything to me these days. The only thing I look forward to each day is writting him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am finding out the feelings I still have for him are mutual. I call him my best friend because he is. He has been there for me through thick and thin for 4 years. No matter how big the fight or break up I know we will always walk away with an everlasting friendship. Jason means the world to me whether he is here holding me or in another state or country. I love him and cannot wait to see him on Graduation Day.

2009-11-02T22:21:00.002-07:00

Jason left for boot camp on Sunday. I really miss him!! I've never gone this long without talking to him for the past 4 years. I decided to use some of our pictures on Picnik.com..... I like it!

New experiences

2009-10-04T17:57:00.014-06:00

Within the last 6 months I have attended about 5 different fundraisers. The first one I went to was with Cassie, Andrew, and Kelsey for the Race For The Cure. It was downtown at The Gateway and there were THOUSANDS of people who attended. We collected our Race For The Cure shirts and then walked a 5k. Afterward we were handed all kinds of food- apples and caramel, oranges, bread, yogurt, water... all given to us just for donating our time and money to a good cause. It really was a good feeling to be apart of that.
The next fundraiser I attended was the Relay For Life. The idea of this event was to walk on the track at Juan Diego throughout the entire night. Everyone setup their tents and camped out. Some of the people who came to support were Cassie, Andrew, Jason, Sheridan and her sister, Cassie's dad and grandpa, Garrison, and Emily. At the event they had a talent show, outdoor movies, pizza, a memorial video, an auction, and a luminaria. The auction and the luminaria were my favorite! At the auction there were about 30 different gift baskets that you could auction for. In the gift basket I got there were 2 bottles of red wine, gift cards for massage envy and a nail salon, a book about Lance Armstrong, live strong bacelets, and a few other things. Cassie and Emily got some really cool baskets too. Once it got darker into the night they viewed a memorial video which honored those who passed away from cancer. When it was over everyone turn on their flameless candles and placed them inside the luminaria bags of their loved ones which lined the perimeter of the track. It was impossible to not get tearieyed as the track lit up. When morning came the weather got really bad so everyone had to quickly pack up and head home. Cassie, Sheridan and her sister, and I were the only ones who decided to stay the entire night so we had to take down my 7 man tent all by ourselves. That wasnt hard but trying to get a HUGE tent into a little bag is impossible. It's especially difficult when your tent is trying to fly away! We ended up just stuffing as much of it into the bag and then carrying it to the car. Haha! Even though the morning didnt turn out as we had hoped the night was really fun! The next finraiser I went to was Walk To Cure Diabetes. My mom, Cassie, and Jason went with me. It was held at Wheeler Farm and again there were alot of people who attended. My mom helped me decorate my t-shirt. It was alot of fun!
Cassie and I took our dogs to the Walk, Wag, and Swim at Draper pool for No More Homeless Pets. It was so cute to see all the dogs jumping into the pool after tennis balls. Oakley wouldn't get in the pool though. I think he would have if I was in there but people weren't allowed. Dogs only. He did really well off of his leash though! I was surprised. He's alot more obedient than I thought. :D Chloe got into the shallow end a bit but shes so small so it doesn't take much to get her wet. It was a fun time in the sun.

The last funraiser I went to was the Walk To Fight Diabetes. This time it was just Cassie and I. We walked around the back end of This Is The Place Heritage Park to the Hogle Zoo. The animals were so cute! Especially the baby elephant, Zuri.
I enjoy going to these funraisers with my friends and family. I think donating some time and money to a good cause is alot of fun and it really makes you feel good.

Things we've always been told...

2009-10-03T11:21:00.002-06:00

When I was younger and I was getting ready to leave the house my mom would always tell me to "remember who you are." At the time it really didn't have much meaning to me but as I have gotten older I have begun to understand and appreciate those words. With all the obstacles that life gives us I think it is important to remember who we are, where we've come from, and what we've learned.

*Remember Who You Are*

Changes

Love

what freedom means

Money doesn't grow on trees

I'm Engaged!!!

Always In My Heart

Becoming a Marine

Love

New experiences

Things we've always been told...

Remember Who You Are