Love

For the past year I have been forced to hold my feelings inside. It all started when I made a decision that changed my life forever. I forgot about the things that matter most to me and took them for granted. Although the way I truly felt inside remained the same I could no longer express it. After a year it feels so foreign. I forgot what those three words were and what it felt like to say them. Sure I tell my friends and family I love them but it doesn't compare to saying them to the person you are in love with. I substituted expressing my feelings in a healthy way for crying, shopping, eating, or really just holding them in. At the time I thought the decision I made was a good one. I knew it hurt my best friend and even other people in our lives but I thought I was finally taking the reins of my life and steering it in a direction I wanted. The truth is I had no idea what I was doing and regretted every moment of it. I had never been more numb in my life. I think I've always been considerable selfless in my life and felt this was a much needed selfish act. I was right about the selfish part. I went against everything I believed because I thought I could justify it. I was out of control in many aspects of my life. I learned how to deal with life alone. Instead of this making me more independent I think it made me more destructive. Since I didn't have to check in with anyone I could do whatever I wanted. And I did. But over the past six months or so I have been remembering what matters to me. I have been realizing how good I had it. Although I regret my life changing decision I have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have been through alot in my life- alot of good and alot of bad. If I have made it this far I can make it anywhere. Now, I am relearning how to express those feelings I've kept surpressed for so long. My best friend is not here for me to talk to. He is working on becoming a Marine in San Diego. His letters are everything to me these days. The only thing I look forward to each day is writting him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am finding out the feelings I still have for him are mutual. I call him my best friend because he is. He has been there for me through thick and thin for 4 years. No matter how big the fight or break up I know we will always walk away with an everlasting friendship. Jason means the world to me whether he is here holding me or in another state or country. I love him and cannot wait to see him on Graduation Day.