For the past year I have been forced to hold my feelings inside. It all started when I made a decision that changed my life forever. I forgot about the things that matter most to me and took them for granted. Although the way I truly felt inside remained the same I could no longer express it. After a year it feels so foreign. I forgot what those three words were and what it felt like to say them. Sure I tell my friends and family I love them but it doesn't compare to saying them to the person you are in love with. I substituted expressing my feelings in a healthy way for crying, shopping, eating, or really just holding them in. At the time I thought the decision I made was a good one. I knew it hurt my best friend and even other people in our lives but I thought I was finally taking the reins of my life and steering it in a direction I wanted. The truth is I had no idea what I was doing and regretted every moment of it. I had never been more numb in my life. I think I've always been considerable selfless in my life and felt this was a much needed selfish act. I was right about the selfish part. I went against everything I believed because I thought I could justify it. I was out of control in many aspects of my life. I learned how to deal with life alone. Instead of this making me more independent I think it made me more destructive. Since I didn't have to check in with anyone I could do whatever I wanted. And I did. But over the past six months or so I have been remembering what matters to me. I have been realizing how good I had it. Although I regret my life changing decision I have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have been through alot in my life- alot of good and alot of bad. If I have made it this far I can make it anywhere. Now, I am relearning how to express those feelings I've kept surpressed for so long. My best friend is not here for me to talk to. He is working on becoming a Marine in San Diego. His letters are everything to me these days. The only thing I look forward to each day is writting him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I am finding out the feelings I still have for him are mutual. I call him my best friend because he is. He has been there for me through thick and thin for 4 years. No matter how big the fight or break up I know we will always walk away with an everlasting friendship. Jason means the world to me whether he is here holding me or in another state or country. I love him and cannot wait to see him on Graduation Day.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Jason left for boot camp on Sunday. I really miss him!! I've never gone this long without talking to him for the past 4 years. I decided to use some of our pictures on Picnik.com..... I like it!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
New experiences
Within the last 6 months I have attended about 5 different fundraisers. The first one I went to was with Cassie, Andrew, and Kelsey for the Race For The Cure. It was downtown at The Gateway and there were THOUSANDS of people who attended. We collected our Race For The Cure shirts and then walked a 5k. Afterward we were handed all kinds of food- apples and caramel, oranges, bread, yogurt, water... all given to us just for donating our time and money to a good cause. It really was a good feeling to be apart of that.
The next fundraiser I attended was the Relay For Life. The idea of this event was to walk on the track at Juan Diego throughout the entire night. Everyone setup their tents and camped out. Some of the people who came to support were Cassie, Andrew, Jason, Sheridan and her sister, Cassie's dad and grandpa, Garrison, and Emily. At the event they had a talent show, outdoor movies, pizza, a memorial video, an auction, and a luminaria. The auction and the luminaria were my favorite! At the auction there were about 30 different gift baskets that you could auction for. In the gift basket I got there were 2 bottles of red wine, gift cards for massage envy and a nail salon, a book about Lance Armstrong, live strong bacelets, and a few other things. Cassie and Emily got some really cool baskets too. Once it got darker into the night they viewed a memorial video which honored those who passed away from cancer. When it was over everyone turn on their flameless candles and placed them inside the luminaria bags of their loved ones which lined the perimeter of the track. It was impossible to not get tearieyed as the track lit up. When morning came the weather got really bad so everyone had to quickly pack up and head home. Cassie, Sheridan and her sister, and I were the only ones who decided to stay the entire night so we had to take down my 7 man tent all by ourselves. That wasnt hard but trying to get a HUGE tent into a little bag is impossible. It's especially difficult when your tent is trying to fly away! We ended up just stuffing as much of it into the bag and then carrying it to the car. Haha! Even though the morning didnt turn out as we had hoped the night was really fun!
The next finraiser I went to was Walk To Cure Diabetes. My mom, Cassie, and Jason went with me. It was held at Wheeler Farm and again there were alot of people who attended. My mom helped me decorate my t-shirt. It was alot of fun!
Cassie and I took our dogs to the Walk, Wag, and Swim at Draper pool for No More Homeless Pets. It was so cute to see all the dogs jumping into the pool after tennis balls. Oakley wouldn't get in the pool though. I think he would have if I was in there but people weren't allowed. Dogs only. He did really well off of his leash though! I was surprised. He's alot more obedient than I thought. :D Chloe got into the shallow end a bit but shes so small so it doesn't take much to get her wet. It was a fun time in the sun.
The last funraiser I went to was the Walk To Fight Diabetes. This time it was just Cassie and I. We walked around the back end of This Is The Place Heritage Park to the Hogle Zoo. The animals were so cute! Especially the baby elephant, Zuri.
I enjoy going to these funraisers with my friends and family. I think donating some time and money to a good cause is alot of fun and it really makes you feel good.
The next fundraiser I attended was the Relay For Life. The idea of this event was to walk on the track at Juan Diego throughout the entire night. Everyone setup their tents and camped out. Some of the people who came to support were Cassie, Andrew, Jason, Sheridan and her sister, Cassie's dad and grandpa, Garrison, and Emily. At the event they had a talent show, outdoor movies, pizza, a memorial video, an auction, and a luminaria. The auction and the luminaria were my favorite! At the auction there were about 30 different gift baskets that you could auction for. In the gift basket I got there were 2 bottles of red wine, gift cards for massage envy and a nail salon, a book about Lance Armstrong, live strong bacelets, and a few other things. Cassie and Emily got some really cool baskets too. Once it got darker into the night they viewed a memorial video which honored those who passed away from cancer. When it was over everyone turn on their flameless candles and placed them inside the luminaria bags of their loved ones which lined the perimeter of the track. It was impossible to not get tearieyed as the track lit up. When morning came the weather got really bad so everyone had to quickly pack up and head home. Cassie, Sheridan and her sister, and I were the only ones who decided to stay the entire night so we had to take down my 7 man tent all by ourselves. That wasnt hard but trying to get a HUGE tent into a little bag is impossible. It's especially difficult when your tent is trying to fly away! We ended up just stuffing as much of it into the bag and then carrying it to the car. Haha! Even though the morning didnt turn out as we had hoped the night was really fun!
The next finraiser I went to was Walk To Cure Diabetes. My mom, Cassie, and Jason went with me. It was held at Wheeler Farm and again there were alot of people who attended. My mom helped me decorate my t-shirt. It was alot of fun!
Cassie and I took our dogs to the Walk, Wag, and Swim at Draper pool for No More Homeless Pets. It was so cute to see all the dogs jumping into the pool after tennis balls. Oakley wouldn't get in the pool though. I think he would have if I was in there but people weren't allowed. Dogs only. He did really well off of his leash though! I was surprised. He's alot more obedient than I thought. :D Chloe got into the shallow end a bit but shes so small so it doesn't take much to get her wet. It was a fun time in the sun.The last funraiser I went to was the Walk To Fight Diabetes. This time it was just Cassie and I. We walked around the back end of This Is The Place Heritage Park to the Hogle Zoo. The animals were so cute! Especially the baby elephant, Zuri.
I enjoy going to these funraisers with my friends and family. I think donating some time and money to a good cause is alot of fun and it really makes you feel good.Saturday, October 3, 2009
Things we've always been told...
When I was younger and I was getting ready to leave the house my mom would always tell me to "remember who you are." At the time it really didn't have much meaning to me but as I have gotten older I have begun to understand and appreciate those words. With all the obstacles that life gives us I think it is important to remember who we are, where we've come from, and what we've learned.
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