Changes

Jason has been gone for almost 3 weeks for his annual training so I have had plenty of time to myself. It was nice for a couple days but quickly got old. Taking care of Oakley Bear, cooking, cleaning, and doing all of the laundry and grocery shopping by myself is not easy. In fact it sucks! What makes it even harder is feeling like I'm doing it alone emotionally too. I only got to talk to Jason on the phone for a few minutes last week. It was so nice to hear his voice. But now I'm ready for him to come home. I dread the day he is deployed because once again I'll be left to deal with "life" on my own- except for at least 6 months instead of 1. I don't really resent Jason for joining the military- even though it may sound that way. I more resent the fact that every one's "life" goes on while I feel like mine is put on hold. I guess we all have to make sacrifices in life and maybe this is mine. It doesn't mean I like it.

As I'm writing this I am thinking to myself, "Who is going to read this?" and I answer my own question with, "Probably no one". I do have a whopping TWO followers. Why do I even have a blog? I obviously don't update it very often but why do I update it at all? hmm... I guess that sums up my attitude today.

I felt this way when Jason was away at boot camp too. I actually completely deleted my Facebook because of it but then started a new one when I felt I was "ready". I guess I just felt like I was wasting my time updating my status. If anyone gave a damn what my status was then they'd call me. I realize as I write that that it makes me a hypocrite. I could call my friends and family too but instead I check Facebook to see what going on in their lives. It's sad how our relationships are becoming so impersonal. I don't have to leave my house or pick up my phone and I know what all my friends are "up to". Now let me remind you- whoever you are- that I already admitted that I was a hypocrite when it comes to this matter. So what can I do to change this issue for myself? I guess I could delete my Facebook, delete this blog that no one reads and I'm pretty sure don't even know it exists, I could be a better friend by calling each one of them up and ask how they are doing... But that sounds exhausting and even more time consuming than logging on to Facebook and just reading their updates and viewing their photos.

Maybe I just need to start trying to be more involved in my life, my families life, and my friends life and get OFF Facebook... hmm...

Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" - 1 Corinthians 13

what freedom means

Even though I know my husband will not be happy when he finds out, I watched Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience because I have a desire for understanding and knowledge. One day my husband will have his own story to tell and I hope and pray that it is nothing compared to what the men and women in this documentary have to say. The media is doing the American people a great injustice for not telling us the truth of what it means to sign your rights away to the military. However, I do not believe that any one of us can truly understand what it means until we've had an AK pointed and fired at us. I think that every one of us should educate ourselves. The resources are out there. We need to stop believing that war is this Hollywood creation. These are OUR men and women, who are not anything different from us, out there making life changing decisions every day. The word "hero" is so small compared to these people who fight for our freedoms. It is so sad to me to hear these stories. I cried during each one. These stories are bigger than anything I had ever imagined. I've met people who have faced death and I have heard what life is like for them when they come home and have to adapt this a naive nation. It was saddening to hear that some men and women do not tell people that they've been to Iraq and Afghanistan because of the lack of knowledge so many people have. "Oh that's cool". No. It wasn't cool to anticipate being killed. It wasn't cool to take someones life even though you were sure they were not harmful. But the enemy does not have a face. Shoot or be shot at. Grateful doesn't even compare to how I feel.

Thank you to the men and women who are willing to make the biggest sacrifice for people who do not appreciate their freedom. Freedom to me means not having a story to tell.

Money doesn't grow on trees

I have been under a lot of financial stress lately. Jason came home in May and we moved into our new apartment in June. Since Jason was gone for 6 months he no longer had a job. It has been very hard for him to find one. Not only is no one hiring but Jason is a reservist in the Marine Corps and I think that is keeping alot of employers from even considering hiring him. There is no other explaination for Jason not being hired. He has an excellent resume with years of managing experience. We are going on 3 months of him not having a job. That has been very rough for both of us. Our only fights have to do with money. We moved into our apartment assuming we'd have two paychecks to live off of. Instead, its just been mine and the very little money Jason makes for report in for duty. It is so bad that we have considered the option of Jason going Active Duty. However, he has to wait a couple years before he can do that. Right now Jason is gone for 2 weeks for summer duty. When he gets back he has a couple weeks to focus on the job search again. Then, school starts. Luckily, Jason gets his schooling paid for by the government so he is going full time! I hope he can find a night job so that he doesnt have to drop classes.

I have spent years saving up my money. I have always had savings and have never been in debt. I take pride in the hard work I've done to make sure i have some financail security. However, over the past few months my savings have slowly been dwindling away. I have to pay for rent, gas, food, utilities, furnishing the apartment, my dog Oakley, entertainment, clothes, school, etc. All of this is on top of working 40 hours a week. Now, I need to start planning a wedding. I feel like this summer has been more work than play. Thats depressing when summer is so close to coming to an end. Okay, maybe I am being dramatic... I guess I actually did have alot of fun this summer. I turned 21, been to some bars/clubs/concerts, went to Park City with some friends, had bonfires, spent time with friends and family, and got engaged! I guess just the realization that I am growing up isnt exactly fun in itself. I wish I could rely on my parents again. I would give anything to be in alot of my friends position where they can still have their parents pay for the majority of their expenses. I hope they know how lucky they are to still have that!

The only way to get rid of that stress is to fix it. I havent been spending much money lately. Basically it has all been on bills, gas, and food. I have stopped eating out and have been preparing every single meal. Its been 10 days of this routine. It is very time consuming but I'm saving money and eating healthy and that makes it worth the extra time. Its also been easier since Jason is gone and I have more time. I feel bad when friends have asked to hang out and I feel that all I can say is "No". Unfortunately, going out means spending money. So, I stay home cleaning, cooking, reading and swimming. (I can't wait till Jason is home to entertain me).

I hope that my continued hard work will all work out in the end. I hope that Jason will find a job and help take some of the financial burden off my shoulders. I know that things wont be like this forever so I guess my final hope is just that we can get thru it without too many bruises!!

I'm Engaged!!!

Last Thursday, July 22nd, it seemed like a normal day. After a long day at work Jason and I went to the pool at our apartments. It was so nice to sit back and relax! After about an hour we were getting pretty hungry. Jason thought Chinese food sounded good so I chose Cafe Trang for dinner. We went back the the apartment and got ready. I really wanted to eat inside the restaurant because it had been awhile since we'd eaten out. But Jason strongly felt we should eat outside at the park. I was imagining us sitting at a picnic table and it did't sound fun. But luckily I had a blanket in my car! So... after we got our dinner we went to Draper park and found a nice quiet area underneath two trees. We ate all the Chinese/Vietnamese food we could handle. It was sooo good!! After we ate it was nice to lay down in the nice weather and just talk. Finally, Jason cracked open his fortune cookie and was reading his fortune as he tossed me mine. I took it out of the wrapper and was about to crack it open when i realized the cookie was not normal. It wasn't "cracking". Instead it was slowly coming apart. I pointed out to jason that there was something wrong with my cookie! He said he noticed the same with his. I proceded to open the cookie. Then, I noticed something I'd never seen in a fortune cookie before... It was a ring!! Without taking the ring out I just sat there for a few minutes completely confused. I kept asking him over and over, "How'd you do that??". He thought it was funny that I had no idea what he'd done! I then took the ring out and put it on. Jason told me to take the fortune out. I did and read it to myself. I began laughing and tearing up. I was so happy. He gave me a hug and a kiss and then I demanded he tell me how he did it. I was with him while we ordered dinner so how could he jam a ring into a cookie? Haha! I gues he'd planned it all day long. I guess it worked out that Chinese food sounded good to me that night! It really was the cutest proposal ever! I am so excited!! Jason and I have been together for over 4 years now and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else! He truely is my best friend! :)

Always In My Heart

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my aunt Heather who passed away in September of 2007. Sometimes I forget that she is gone because it still doesn’t feel right. I miss going up to Oakley to visit her. She was one of the funniest people I will ever know. I have so many memories of her and hold each one close to my heart.

It’s been almost 3 years since she passed. I remember when I found out that she was in the hospital. I was driving to work and my dad called me. He told me that he didn’t know much but that he knew it wasn’t good. When I got off the phone I thought I would just continue driving to work but then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I ran a red light or cut off everyone when I was making a left hand turn. I don’t know what I was thinking. I started panicking and all I could do was cry.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to be in the hospital because she had Type 1 diabetes. She had been thru so much! Dialysis, kidney transplant, heart attack, you name it… I think that is why when I first got the call I just figured everything would end up being okay. There were many times people thought she wouldn’t make it but she always surprised everyone. But when I got off the phone nothing felt right.

I think visiting her in the hospital was very hard. I got to see firsthand just how bad she really was. She was basically brain dead and her body was shutting down. I am not sure what had happened but I think the doctors said she had a heart attack and no one found her for over an hour. It’s hard because you still have hope even tho you see the helpless body lying in front of you. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. I’m still not ready. Although I had many good times with her- I felt it wasn’t enough. I still need her.

Even though she is no longer in my life I can remember her by the memories I have. There are so many that come to mind at once. When we visited her in Oakley she would let us ride her four wheelers on the property in front of their house. It was so much fun. She was always up for having fun. Even when you knew she wasn’t feeling very good. She didn’t let it get in the way of having fun too often. I have this image in my head of her sitting on the floor or bathroom counter curling her hair. I have early memories of her perming her hair too. I can hear her laugh. It was a laugh you will never forget. I can see her eating Arbys and drinking a Dr. Pepper. Sometimes when I am thinking about her I will go get an Atbys sandwich and put my “fat pants” on. She always talked about putting her “fat pants” on. Its funny because she was TINY! I remember going on frequent road trips with her down to St. George. There were many times where she couldn’t see where she was driving (symptom of diabetes) so my sister, Chelsea, would take over the wheel while Heather pressed the gas and brake. I plan to share more memories of her in the future.